Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
