If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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