god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
