love makes seman taste better
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
