Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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