He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
