my phone needs a breathalizer
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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