I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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