You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
