She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I don't deserve a penis
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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