At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
