God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
did i walk over a car last night?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
