He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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