Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
