my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
