Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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