Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
