can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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