I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
