I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Couch. On fire.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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