my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
