There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
