You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
