I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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