Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
