Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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