I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
