you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
