FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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