maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
