No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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