and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
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