No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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