I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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