My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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