Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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