Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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