I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
