just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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