trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
