I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Randomize
