Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
