She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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