So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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