I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
