we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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