I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
