Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
