no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
