he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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